Still Hurting
by TheSilentPen
Summary: "She'd waited five years. How much longer would she have to wait?" After the party at Rachel's house, Quinn is left wondering: how much longer should she wait? She's still hurting... But how much more can she take? Takes place after Chapter 17 in 'Just A Kiss,' though it covers much of the stories events. AU. Faberry.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Glee or any of its characters… and I DEFINITELY don't own the song in this chapter.

**A/N:** People asked for Quinn's thoughts after the party, so I decided to do a little thing on that just for you… Here you go. It's named after a song I was listening to while writing it from the musical _The Last Five Years_.

Please **review** and let me know what you think.

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**Still Hurting**

_TheSilentPen_

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She imagined this moment differently.

She'd had five years. Five _long_ years to think about what it might be like. To dream. To ponder. To imagine.

To wonder if Rachel's lips would be just as warm and loving as they had the day she disappeared from Quinn's life.

In her dreams, Quinn imagined that it would be just the two of them, sitting on a bench somewhere in Lima, smiling at each other. They'd hold hands and Quinn would tell her how Rachel changed her whole world, turned it right on its axis with that kiss.

Lucy Fabray hadn't ever felt loved before.

She'd been a stumbling, bumbling disgustingly fat thing with mousey brown hair, the largest pair of glasses, a spattering of acne across her cheeks, and a low level of self-confidence.

Her parents hid her away in the house. She was an embarrassment to the Fabray family name. She wasn't beautiful and blonde, like her sister Frannie or her Mother. She wasn't assertive and sure of herself, like her father.

Lucy Fabray was something to be hidden, something to feel ashamed of. Something to leave at home instead of parading around on your arm.

She was an ugly, shameful thing.

Unlovable.

That day five years ago, Rachel had changed it all.

She'd stood up for Lucy, told the boys to shove off and leave her alone.

Told her that she was worth something and to never let _anyone_ tell her who she was. To love herself.

Then Rachel kissed her, told her she was the most _beautiful_ girl she'd ever seen, and disappeared altogether.

The next day at school, she searched frantically for Rachel. Asked around the school to see if anyone knew where Rachel Berry had been taken.

She scoured the entire school for a week before she'd simply given up.

Rachel Berry was gone. She'd never see her again.

She'd left her there with nothing but those final words to _'love herself.'_

…Quinn would try.

She went through another quarter of the school year trying to let insults roll off her back. Tried to ignore their jeering. Tried to ignore them when they tripped her and let her books spray across the hall. Tried to ignore when they stole her glasses, or when they sabotaged her.

She tried desperately to love herself, for Rachel.

But Quinn couldn't love herself…

Not as Lucy.

So she strove to change it all. She looked in the mirror one day, and resolved to.

Lucy wasn't 'the prettiest girl' Rachel had ever seen…

But she would be. She would make herself into that girl.

…And maybe if Rachel came back, she'd finally _be_ the prettiest girl Rachel had ever met.

She started with her acne first. It was the easiest thing to do. A light spread of Proactiv for several weeks and it was gone.

Her glasses were the next thing to go. Ask Mom for contacts… she can't resist. She had them within the week and was without her frames.

The weight had been more difficult to deal with.

She jogged, she jumped rope, and did whatever was within her power. The pounds were stubborn, though. Her weight wouldn't be as easy to fix as her acne or her eyes.

So she enrolled at a small, local dance studio nearby the Fabray household. A good mile, one that Lucy walked everyday in hopes of shedding some pounds.

The dance instructor, Ms. Powers, was a powerful, determined woman with striking, dark eyes and a hardened jaw.

"What is it that you want out of this, Lucy?" she'd asked Quinn that very first day.

"I want to learn," she'd said softly, looking down. "…And I want to be thinner."

Ms. Powers had looked at her with something akin to understanding before nodding her head and leading Lucy into the studio.

She'd shown Lucy about the small, padded room and explained the basics. Payments, styles, and everything else. Things typical of a first meeting.

And Lucy had been listening. She'd always been good at that.

She listened until she came face to face with a gleaming trophy with the name '_Rachel Berry'_ etched into the metal in elegant script.

She stopped breathing.

"She was my best student."

Lucy's eyes had flickered over to look at Ms. Powers as she stood, staring at the trophy with melancholy in those striking eyes.

"She was talented," Ms. Powers continued. "Could dance rings around all my other students. And she was such a nice kid. A little intense at times, but she had a big heart."

"What happened to her?" Lucy questioned softly.

Ms. Powers' face contorted in a sort of gruesome mask of rage and contempt.

"Her fathers happened to her," Ms. Powers said darkly. "Her goddamned fathers."

And that was all that was ever said on what happened to Rachel Berry.

Time passed quickly after that. She spent all her spare time dancing in the studio and learning what she could from Ms. Powers.

It made her feel a little closer to Rachel.

Each time she came in, she would look at that trophy and say a soft prayer for Rachel, wherever she was. She'd wonder about her. What she looked like, what she'd become.

Who Rachel loved.

The pounds slowly began to shed away, leaving her thinner than ever.

She dyed her hair to match Frannie's, began to wear clothing more fitting of the girl she thought Rachel would love.

Till finally… all there was left to fix was the last remaining imperfection:

Her nose.

It had been easy, really. Her father had been all too willing to help. He slapped down the money and she was whisked away into surgery.

The surgeon's scalpel crafted the woman that was Quinn Fabray.

Quinn was perfect, Quinn was desirable, Quinn was perfect.

Quinn would be the most beautiful girl Rachel had ever seen.

…At least, that was what Quinn hoped.

By the time High School came, she was at the top of the social ladder, the shoe in for Cheerios captain after her freshman year, the envy of every girl in the school, and had the most popular guy in the school on her arm.

She felt like she loved herself…

…She hoped she did.

She didn't feel anything for Finn.

He could kiss her, he could hug her, but there was nothing thrilling about him. Nothing warm or different.

He was just a body. A means to an end.

Quinn had accepted a long time ago that there was something special about Rachel. She'd never felt the same warmth in the many kisses she'd had as Quinn Fabray as she had with that single kiss with Rachel.

She'd never thought about anyone as much as her…

…Quinn had never wanted to _see_ anyone as much as her.

Rachel had been kept alive in her memory. She was what Quinn imagined her to be.

A smiling, petite brunette with dancer's legs, wearing light summer dresses and laughing like a bell. A girl with the warmest brown eyes and a voice that soothed over you like a melody.

A teenager with the softest touch and the most reassuring shoulder. Someone to confide in, some determined, stubborn, brash, and everything that Ms. Powers had described her as.

But that Rachel that Quinn imagined was not real.

The real Rachel Berry was god knows where.

Sophomore year left Quinn feeling disheartened. Desiring a ghost. Someone who existed in mind, yet not body.

She was tired of putting on a show. Tired of kissing a ghost in her sleep and a hulking, lunk of a boy in reality.

She was tired of it all, so she lost herself in alcohol one night and gone to the one person she felt could comfort her…

Puck had her eyes. Warm, soft, gentle brown. They were hers, and that's all that Quinn needed to pretend.

She looked into his eyes and imagined them as _hers_ that night. The haze of alcohol left her blissfully numb and able to project her imaginings onto him.

It was the only time Rachel had been given a body… the only time she _could_ imagine she was there.

The next morning, when she'd woken up, she'd regretted all of it.

But she paid for it with her body and her popularity.

Beth had been the worst and _best_ thing to happen to her in years.

Because of her, she'd learned what it felt like to love, truly and wholeheartedly. To learn what it was like to please yourself rather than others.

She finally learned _exactly_ what it meant to 'love yourself,' and she'd gotten friends out of it too.

Quinn felt she could finally, maybe, just maybe, let go of Rachel a little bit more, since she knew what it was like to be happy with _herself_.

But then her world crashed right down upon her again.

Because after five years of waiting, after five years of imagining…

There she was, right there in front of her.

Rachel Berry.

But she wasn't what Quinn had imagined.

This Rachel wore dark jeans, t-shirts, leather jackets, scarves, and chucks. This Rachel seemed hesitant in her smiles and there seemed an air of uncertainty choking her.

This Rachel didn't have _her_ Rachel's eyes.

Her Rachel's eyes were light, happy, and warm.

This stranger's eyes were dark, painfully wise, hard, and melancholy.

Not a trace of light existed… not a single bit of happiness.

But her face was just as mature, her voice just as melodic as her Rachel. Their hands felt the same… their cheeks when she kissed them.

And Quinn learned to love _this _Rachel too. Learned to love the dry, sarcastic edge of her voice. The charming half-smirk that would overtake her lips when she had a devious plan, the kindness she showed others, and the devotion she gave her friends.

She loved Rachel.

And it _hurt_.

She was so close yet so _far_.

Right within touching distance… her hand was right there… her shoulder, right there…

Her _lips_ right there.

But Quinn couldn't do anything about it.

Because Rachel _didn't remember_.

She saw the struggle play across Rachel's face when she looked into her eyes. She saw a light of familiarity, a trace of the old Rachel shining through the damaged exterior of this mysterious girl.

But then, just as quickly, it would be gone, and _her_ Rachel was lost beneath the surface.

She had to restrain herself in the coffee shop that day. Had to restrain herself when Rachel performed… when she smiled, laughed.

And then Quinn had finally had her chance when Rachel had come to her house that day. To tell her about Lucy, to tell her about _everything_.

She'd been so close to kissing her, to getting the littlest taste of what she'd waited five years for so desperately.

But Rachel had panicked. Rachel's eyes were lost to a glaze of fear, confusion, and something else unknowable.

She broke Quinn's heart when she pulled away, broke it when she all but rushed out the door to make her way home.

It felt like five years ago all over again.

But she wouldn't give up. She'd waited _so long_ for this. She couldn't.

Quinn tried again several days later, only to be pushed away again. The lost, panicked look again strong in Rachel's eyes as she stumbled away stuttering out excuses.

Her heart broke again… as it had many times since Rachel had returned as this strange and broken person.

She didn't know how much longer she could take it.

That night at the party, she hadn't meant for anything to happen. Quinn just wanted to relax… have a little fun, maybe work her way in a little more.

Rachel had looked carefree and beautiful, laughing and smiling, singing with a sort of lightness across her features that Quinn hadn't seen in her since she'd come to Lima.

They'd locked eyes from across the room and there had been a little something _more_ in Rachel's eyes.

It had only been for a split second, but there _was_ something there.

She could work with it, make it grow.

But it had all been _ruined_ by that dare.

Quinn knew Brittany was only trying to help. She confided in Santana and Brittany because she had no one else who could possibly _fathom_ what she was going through.

But Brittany outed her most precious secret before the group.

She'd told _Rachel_.

And Rachel seemed just as shell shocked… and _panicked_ as ever.

That wild look had taken up residence in her eyes again, and Quinn knew she was going to flee if it built up too much.

So she spoke softly to Rachel, comforted her, tried to make that look disappear, even for just a little while.

And it had worked… a little light had been restored there.

And they kissed.

And God, did it feel good. Because Rachel tasted like smooth vanilla, felt smooth and soft against her, and her lips fit _perfectly _against Quinn's.

That warmth, that love from years ago came surging back in steady, intoxicating waves, and everything that had ever happened in her life suddenly seemed irrelevant.

Because _this_… this was _perfection_.

But then Rachel pulled away.

She pulled away, her eyes far more wild than ever. The panic spiking in her veins as she stumbled away from Quinn, shrugging off her touch.

"I-I can't-," Rachel stumbled over her words. "I can't…"

"Rachel-," she'd reached out to touch…

And God, it was gone again as Rachel stumbled away, lost.

Rachel was running away again.

Running from _her_.

She stood there and felt her heart breaking in her chest. She choked back a sob, holding her hand over her mouth, grasping at her heart, digging her nails into the flesh.

This _isn't_ how she imagined it.

"What the fuck have you done?!" she heard Maria roar at Brittany. "What've you done?"

"Hey, don't yell at her-."

"That wasn't her secret to tell!" Maria's voice was low and sharp. "You shouldn'tve done that…. God, do you _know_ what you've done to her?"

"Well the midget shouldn'tve-."

"Don't you _dare_ blame Rachel for this," she heard Maria snarl. "Don't you dare blame her for any of this. You don't know fuck about her. You've known her a few weeks, I've known her five years. I don't care if you're innocent, or what..."

She heard a choked sputter from Maria.

"Get out of here. All of you. _Now_."

"Maria-."

"All of you get out of here _now."_

Quinn heard the fumbling of people up the stairs and the charge of the cars as they powered off into the night. She heard, but she didn't move, she couldn't.

A sort of warmth came around her shoulders as Maria placed her arm about her shoulders. "Come on, Quinn… we'll go talk to her right now, okay?"

She led Quinn gently up the stairs, stopping before a door at the very end of the hall. Maria knocked softly.

"Rach? Come on, Rach. You need to talk to me."

"Leave me alone, Maria." The voice from inside was broken and weary.

"Rachel, you can't stay in there-."

"Forever? I won't… but I need some time," the voice fell to a mere crawl. "…I can't do this right now… I-I…I don't know what I'm doing."

"We can work this ou-."

"No, we won't," Rachel said. God, was she _crying_? "Just leave me alone… go. This is… this is something I need to handle on my own."

"…At least talk to Quinn," Maria said, "she's right here. You two need to-."

"I can't do this right now," the voice rose again. "…Please… I'm sorry, but just go."

"Rach-."

"_Please_."

God, it hurt. Quinn covered her mouth again, biting down of the skin there to stifle a sob.

She wouldn't see her. _She didn't_ _want to see her_

Maria sighed and turned to Quinn with a sort of sad quirk to her lip. "I'm really sorry about this, Quinn… you don't know how _sorry_ I am."

"It's… it's alright."

God, that was the biggest lie she'd ever told.

Maria seemed to understand as she stood there with that melancholy edge in her blue eyes.

"Come on… let me drive you home. I'm sure Mr. J won't mind if I take the car out."

They'd driven to the Fabray house in relative silence. As Maria pulled the car over at the curb and Quinn opened the door, she grabbed Quinn's shoulder.

"Give her some time, Quinn," Maria said softly. "Give her some time and you can talk about this.

"I know it hurts… but," Maria swallowed her words, looking down at the leather interior for a second, before looking back up, a nameless sorrow in those light blue orbs. "…Just keep going. Wait and she won't disappoint you. That's what's great about Rach…"

But hadn't she waited enough already?

Hadn't Quinn waited five years?

When would she have waited _enough_?

"Thank you, Maria," she said softly.

"Night, Quinn," Maria said softly.

"Night, Maria," Quinn replied, shutting the door. She watched the car go off into the darkness before turning and striding up the front porch.

She unlocked the door, dropping her jacket down on the couch, before heading into the parlor.

She sat down at the Steinway, running her fingers over the keys, and remembered what it felt like to be there with Rachel. To feel happy, to feel wanted… to feel patient.

Quinn wasn't sure how much patience she had left, if it meant feeling this way.

She pulled her fingers across the keys, striking out a slow, melancholy chord.

Quinn opened her mouth, licking her lips, before starting.

"_Set me free, why don't you baby,"_ she breathed out, "_let me be, why don't you baby? 'Cause you don't really love me… but you keep me hanging on_."

"_Why do you keep coming around… playing with my heart?" _her fingers played across the keys, slow, "_Why don't you get out of my life… and let me make a new start. Let me get over you, the way you've gotten over me_…"

She choked back a sob as she continued. "_Set me free why don't you baby, get off my life, why don't you baby? 'Cause you don't really love me… you just keep me hanging on._

_ "You say although we broke up, you still wanna be just friends," _she breathed, "_How can we still be friends… when seeing you only breaks my heart again?"_

She gave a bitter chuckle. "And there ain't nothin' I can do about it."

Her fingers stilled against the keys as the last note warbled weakly in her throat. The tears fell from her cheeks in ready streams and her shoulders collapsed as she finally let go.

Quinn cried for the years she'd spent alone. Cried for Beth, cried for Rachel.

And she cried for her heart, broken as it was.

She couldn't take much more… and it would be so easy to give up, to stop trying to reach out and touch Rachel. Even if she loved her, maybe she could go on pretending. Maybe she could wear a mask, just like Rachel.

But Maria's words hung in her ears.

'_Just wait… she won't disappoint you.'_

She could wait a little longer.

Just a little longer.

But Quinn didn't know if she could keep waiting anymore after that.

She didn't think her heart could take it.

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**A/N:** All done… hope it gave you a little perspective. **Please review**.

Note: There's a piano arrangement that goes PERFECTLY with what Quinn is playing and singing, I'll leave a link on my profile.


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